Trust & Relationships Part 4: Fixing a Torn Relationship

Is it Even Possible?

This series is about trust, relationships and the reality contained within them. How do you know when it is safe to trust your partner? There are so many different aspects to the trust issue, so I will do a few posts on the subject. This is the fourth installment, and it may be the last… However I am not sure. Just keep in mind that this is just a guide and not intended to try and tell you what you should do, as ultimately, the decision is yours. I just hope to give you something to think about while making your decision.

The other posts will follow in the coming weeks. Please take heed and enjoy this post. Just remember, I have been here, there and everywhere, so I understand how you feel. Believe me, if my experiences, good or bad, can help even one person, then my life and my writing was worth something…

Why Are We Here?
In the last installment, we talked about the questions which must be answered to determine how far you and your partner are willing to go to fix the relationship-if it can be fixed at all. If you are reading this, you have determined it is worth it to try to mend the relationship. You are here to get some advice as to what comes next, right? Well, take a gander at the words here, it might just help you to understand some of the more important things in a relationship and how it can help fix a broken one.

Below is an excerpt of a post from the last week. It belongs here again at this point because you are here to fix what is wrong with your relationship. Well, I hope you are here for that reason, because that will mean that you have already done the hard part-figuring out what is wrong, if you should even continue the relationship and how far you will go to do so. That said, read this and then we will continue…

“One thing to keep in mind before you trying to mend any broken relationship is the act of communication is never one to forget or ignore..”

It is equally important that communicating is not a one way street. It takes two to tango-literally. If you are “communicating” and your mate doesn’t hear-or listen (yes they are different) to what you are saying, you are only talking at him, not with him. You have to talk-communicate-or nothing will work going forward. That will cause things to get worse and quite possibly could cause the resentments I also talked about in that post. It could also cause a myriad of other problems. Read this…

“…if there is a lack of communication in a relationship or if the communication channels have broken down in your relationship, or in any part of your life, it could spell the end for you and your mate…” and

“…little or no communication can make life Hell and ruin some very important moments-and the relationship’s future….”

Yes, communicating is that serious and absolutely necessary whether you like it or not. And especially if you are looking to mend a broken relationship.

“My husband of (over) two years always says, communication is the key” to a healthy relationship, and I agree. We (him and I) have had our difficulties and the one way we always work things out is with communication…”

I did agree then, I agree now and it is completely true. Communication is the only way anyone and anything can survive in terms of our interactions with others. And our feelings also have a lot to do with these things. Once you can learn how to communicate, it makes it that much easier to fix a broken relationship. So, once you get the communication part down pat, how do you mend a broken relationship? That is probably what you came her for, so lot’s get to it. Without further ado, here are some ways you will be able to mend a relationship, these are the ways I used to mend mine in the beginning (me and my hubby weren’t always this happy!).

The Art of Compromise
Of course you knew you would have to make some personal concessions, right? You can’t always have everything your way. A relationship is not like Burger King you know… You will never get everything you want, and if you do then it’s not a relationship-it’s a dictatorship. Once you talk about things and see what is wrong, you then decide what needs to be fixed, right? Well, when you decided how far you will go to fix the problems, you more or less dictated you would be willing to compromise to a point. That said, now it is time. You know what you need to change already, so now it’s time to change it.

However, just keep in mind that you are not the only one who should be compromising. Your mate should also have to compromise as well. Why should your partner have the freedom to do anything they want? For example, if your partner wants to go out for an evening, why should you be the one stuck at home? It is situations like this that become abusive-mentally and emotionally controlling, so make sure you don’t fall into that pattern.

The Art of Change
While compromise may seem like change, it really is not. When you make compromises, you are giving up, for the most part, material things or “privileges,” like going to a movie or going to the bar with a friend. These are things that ca easily be given up in a compromise. Now, when it comes to change, it is a different story altogether. When you change, you do it from the inside, not the outside. When you change, you are changing your reaction to certain things, you are changing the way you feel about things and so on. It is a personal change that only you can complete, no matter what the outside influence.
And again, this is not a one way highway. Here comes another compromise. If you must change, so must your partner. If you are the only one doing any changing first of all, it is a sacrifice which should not be allowed to happen. Second, are you the only person in the relationship? No? Well, you may want to rethink that if you are the only one making an effort.

The Art of Trust
This is where things will start to get a little sticky. Trust is like a four letter word in a relationship. Especially when it has been broken. Most likely, the reason you are here reading this is because your trust has been broken. Or maybe you are the one looking for what to do to regain your partner’s trust? Either way, it doesn’t matter because the remedy and advice is the same. Before I go any further, remember the following:

  • Trust is earned, not freely given.
  • Once trust is broken, it is difficult at best to regain it.
  • When trust is an issue, so is respect

No matter what the reason of the mistrust or broken trust, the relationship is now more fragile than ever. And it will be even more difficult from this point on because trust is not something that can be had easily. From the first day of your relationship you started building trust. So, if you happen to be a couple with a few years into the relationship, that’s how many years it will take to trust again. And possibly even double. The thing is once that trust is broken, it is 10 times more difficult to get it back then to get it in the first place. Whoever broke the trust can expect that they will be mistrusted for a long time to come.

How Long?
No matter what they do, the person whose trust you broke not only is hurt by whatever it was that you did, but they are going to constantly wonder if they can trust you again. You can both expect relations to be strained for a long time coming. Know this before continuing because this kind of stress will kill a relationship, even without the broken trust factor. Any relationship having to go through some kind of stress is fragile enough, but having to go through the stress of broken trust is volatile. So know this and be prepared, the next few days, weeks, months-even years-could be the toughest your relationship will ever experience.

I will be honest with you., it does get batter. If the two of you can make it through this stage and start building the trust back up it will be better than ever, this I promise you. Any relationship that can get through this kind of stress only comes out on the other side stronger than ever. Have you ever heard the cliché, what won’t kill you only makes you stronger? Well the same goes for a relationship, tenfold.
Patience Really is a Virtue
When you get to this point of your relationship, and the fixing of it, you must have patience and learn tolerance. Sometimes, when things like broken trust happen, it can raise the level of how much we can handle mentally and emotionally to levels we are not familiar with. This scares many of us. That said, it is easy to lose your temper when the rest of our emotions are one second away from a breakdown. So try not to do anything to upset the balance, OK?

It is also good to remember that your partner is experiencing almost the same things. No matter who caused the problems, or if it was a mutual problem, the results will be the same. You either stay together an work things out or you separate, period. It doesn’t matter what happens in between and as long as you understand this, what happens during this time will hopefully come naturally. If it does, there is a better chance of things “getting back to normal” because it might have been meant to be, if you believe in that sort of thing. But if one of you is having particularly hard time doing any of the suggestions, or if it doesn’t feel right for any reason, it might not be meant to be. One thing is for sure though, either way you will know when it happens.

~JC Torpey

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